On these pages in this section you will find definitions to words and phrases
that are in common everyday usage. Here Tony Sharp and I demystify their application and relevance.

Here we deal with surfing and the terms you will encounter to confuse you!


Web Speak is copyright of Tony Sharp and Daniel I Cohen please obtian permission if you reproduce any of the text.


WWW.
Who What Why


E-Mail
This redefines the job of typing a letter, so that the Chairman of a company will feel good about doing a sectaries job

Parental Control
Allows your children to visit your favourite porn sites

Technical Help Desk
A premium rate phone call that makes you feel bad about your lack knowledge of PCs until you speak to the person who answers the phone located in a third world country requiring multiple satellite relay, and inevitably ends up with you wiping your hard drive while bumping up you phone bill.

After Sales
See above

Java
The cup of coffee you spill on your keyboard and wreck it

Search Engine Submission
Giving up all hope of ever being ranked number 1

Meta Tags
Multiple games of it with a PC

Client
Someone who has friend who knows a bit of HTML and therefore is going to make your life a living hell

E-Commerce
The "E" allows consultants to add 70% to the invoice before your first meeting

Spam
(i) The excuse you gave your ex-wife when she caught you down-loading porn
(ii) Alternative sandwich filling

ISP
Irrationally Superior Personality disorder. Usually suffered by the person who makes it feel like it is your fault the website is off-line.

Broadband
(i) Allows you to see a website as it should be seen, if the web design company had done their job in the first place
(ii) A woman so ugly she is not allowed to have her own website.

Search Engine
A place to find Pirated software and crack codes for trial versions.

Pirated Software
Reasonably priced software

IT Department
This is where 3 people do the work of 45 after the publication of the company’s annual finical report

How To Books or A Simpletons Guide
Should not be read by anyone without a PHD in the subject

Quotation
The price you are going to be paid after the client has changed the brief, requests changes to the copy on the new brief and wants 84 images scanned, optimized and uploaded on the new pages he going to give to all coincide with the big advertising campaign hitting the media tomorrow

Web Authoring Software
With the touch of a button you can add anything from 50 – 75% extra coding that is not needed, while letting the software company have its name all over your HTML and take credit for your work

The Internet
Where you can read all about Area 51

Windows
What your PC will fly through when you have phoned a technical support desk

Backup Disc
Something you will always regret not making

Restore
Dream on

WYSIWYG
This is the last time you will ever see your website looking like this

Printer
A device with Dali like qualities

Animated Help
Justification for the brick now sitting in your monitor

Sound Schemes
Allows you to use the mute button

Remote Access
Saves the IT department ever leaving their bedrooms at their parents house

Screen Saver
A device that informs your head of department how long you have been away from your desk

Technical Help Webpage
This is where you are directed to having rung a technical help when you can not connect to the internet

A Mac
An item of clothing used for surfing porn sites

Network
A way of grinding any company to a complete halt

CD/DVD Burner
A device for creating reasonably priced software and coasters

Hand Held Scanner
A device with Picasso like qualities

Spread Sheet Screensaver
Lets you head of department think you are still in the building

Super Information Highway
Just like the M25 always under construction and full of congestion

URL
Unacceptable Reference Language, the term used with smugness when talking about a website address

Quick Reference Guides
And pigs will fly

Pocket Books
This is only applicable if you live in a castle at the top of a beanstalk

Escape Key
It is never that simple

Keys F1 to F12
Spares for the qwerty keyboard

Virtual Reality
Bad game graphics

Mouse Matt
A way of holding on to individuality with in a large company (Also see Looney Tunes Tie)

Virus
A so and so in a recently liberated communist country, still intent on bringing down the imperial west

Beta Version
Pay twice for the same software

Latest Version
Paying twice to use the same software with a new colour scheme

Debug
A programme that allows you to use the software you originally purchased

Or Visit Our Website
The person you have rung at the technical support desk has now idea either

A Website
A place where you will not find the information you require

A Good Website
One which the company chairman can use

Web Cam
A device left on while walking around the house totally naked

End User
The person forgotten about

Web Traffic
One of many excuses for slow downloads

Printer Cartridge
An opaque object with liquid capacity of a mosquito’s left testicular glad. A lottery win is required

     
    
Next Page just saying
Web Speak is copyright of Tony Sharp  

  and Daniel I Cohen     please ask permission if you wish to reproduce any of the text.
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